Single Life Can Be Hugely Preferable

I've a stomach turning reaction to a trend in recent years of people calling themselves polarity coaches as a thinly veiled cover for pushing gender roles. The how to attract a 'masculine man' and how to be a ‘feminine woman’ has dragged us back years in terms of healthy relationship dynamics and the script on how each gender ’needs to be'.

These questionable self declared polarity teachers, gurus or coaches share a narrative of ‘here’s what you need to do as a woman to attract, keep or look after your man'. Not only is the emotional and mental labour of the relationship once again being placed on women's ever increasing to do list, it's disturbing interpretations of how women need to speak, look and behave seemingly takes us back decades in terms of progress for women.

This desire to be submissive and please men at all costs to get into a relationship, even a bad one, is a common message given to women — and is the primary reason why so many women end up in abusive or bad relationships, then think they’re doing something wrong by leaving (think the tragic story of Gabby Petito). 

In the UK a woman is killed by an abusive partner or ex every five days. 

Occasionally I read an article or a social media post that goes against this depressing narrative and it feels like I'm breathing fresh mountain air and I want to take it in fully. This was one such post from a guy who shares about his marriage and family life, J.R. Minton —

Do you prefer when you’re wife goes with make up or without make up?

And I said, If I’m being honest I prefer for my wife to be happy.

If she wears make up - great!

If she doesn’t wear make up - great!

I like both.

Generally I just like my wife.

Even with the clothes she wears -

I like when she wears clothes that are more modest.

I like when she wears  things that show off a little bit.

I really like when she doesn’t wear anything.

That part is very enjoyable for me.

If she lost a couple of pounds - great!

If she gained a couple of pounds - great!

If she suddenly woke up tomorrow morning and was 6” taller I’d be like ‘this is fucking weird’

Also great though.

The best thing that I think I can do for my wife is show up with a preference for her preference.

When she got a nosing piercing was I crazy about it? No.

But I know that she really wanted it.

So I was like ‘Alright cool’.

Get that nose piercing.

And guess what? She’s adorable with this piercing.

I’ve learnt as I’ve grown up I just like this woman!

However she likes herself is how I like her!

I mentally gave J.R. Minton a “F*cking yes! ” — his thoughts beautifully kick into touch any ideas that the desire to be in a HEALTHY relationship means moulding yourself into something externally decided, disempowered ideal of what it means to be ‘feminine’ and that that in itself is ever the goal (for complete clarity I want to say that should NEVER be the goal).

Whether you're single or thinking about leaving a relationship and willing to accept being single (and you should be, because single life is way better than being in a relationship with an arse) how you present yourself is nobodies business but yours.

If you feel yourself attempting to make yourself smaller, change yourself or conceal aspects of yourself, this is a huge red flag.  

The one thing people are attracted to more than anything? Being genuine. 

Remind yourself of this as much as possible. 

No matter who you are, how you dress or what you’re into, someone is going to f*cking love it. 

You cannot be your authentic self if you're constantly trying to fit into someone's else's ideology.