Netflix’s Adolescence Has Sparked A Long Overdue Conversation

I look back on my decision to have kids as one of the most ill-informed decisions I’ve ever made.

Although I've absolutely zero regrets (it's been an incredible and rewarding experience that I wouldn't have missed for the world) it's also been the hardest undertaking of my life, and one that has had me throw myself into learning as much as I could along the way, to give my kids the best chance of living up to their potential (whatever that looks like to them).

The naive and wildly immature, egotistical thinking that having kids should be about leaving a legacy, having a mini you, creating a bestie or someone to love you unconditionally and for you in old age, saving a relationship that's already struggling or good old social and cultural pressures are some of the more harmful reasons in deciding to become a parent.

Yet so many wannabe parents, like I was, really don't think through how challenging it is and that the motherhood image portrayed as idyllic and serene is wildly misleading. What better example than the (toxic and dangerous) recent trend of Tradwives on social media displaying homemaking and motherhood like the 'good ole days' that many seem to yearn for, but never actually existed in the first place.

Nothing has challenged me to look at my own sh*t, to evolve and grow, more than having kids.

It's been a wild ride and even as they've matured into adults it continues to force me to grow, and there's no expectation that will ever change (and nor should it). 

Netflix's Adolescence showed how much higher the stakes are now for disengaged parenting, and for those parents that were unfamiliar with the toxic manosphere ideas (think Andrew Tate) of what it means to be a man, the sexual entitlement to women and their dehumanisation, incel culture, red pilling, extreme levels of hate filled misogyny (especially on social media with algorithms specifically pushing this kind of content towards teen boys with interests in football, dating, gym and cars) and the massive and worrying increase in violence towards girls and women as a whole, it must have been an even tougher and more confronting watch. 

Which is why I love that both Stephen Graham and Jack Thorne have been discussing the importance of bringing attention to the horrifying rise in male violence against women and all that's contributing to it in all of their interviews (and what motivated them to make the series in the first place).

Just as the fundamental purpose of long term relationships and the institution of marriage has shifted massively over the last 200 years, with romantic partners now playing a far more demanding role in fulfilling their partner's needs than ever before, the same is true for parenting.

Marriage or other committed romantic relationships are (thankfully) no longer just about meeting the very basic needs of food, shelter and safety, but now there's rightfully an expectation of not just love, affection, companionship, trust and friendship, but also to promote self-esteem and self-expression within shared values and beliefs, whilst allowing for personal growth and achievement of goals in the hope that each person realises their full potential, whilst experiencing the wonderful intimacy and connection that comes with close relationships.

This requires good communication, emotional intelligence and deep insight into each person's needs and psychological essence and takes time, energy, and effort.

Likewise, as the role and expectations of intimate partnerships have changed over the years as people have become much more self aware, so has parenting. Where once a child was raised within a community, with the old adage 'it takes a village to raise a child'  parents now play a more important role than ever. In other words there's less room for f*ck ups.

We could quite clearly see in Adolescence the education, government, neighbourhood and community structure seemingly provided little to nothing in the way of supportive, meaningful and healthy emotional and relational development of the kids. 

Parents now have to be everything. 

But here's the good news…

Though the rate of divorce and figures reporting successful long term intimate relationships do not look good, the top 20% of those relationships that do stay together report higher satisfaction levels than ever before in their relationships (Eli Finkel Research).

There's never been more available information to learn, grow and evolve with books, podcasts, therapy, coaches and all manner of personal development.  

So the possibility of a healthy meaningful relationship is more hopeful than ever, for those that are ready and willing to put in the work. The same goes for parenting and the guidance and wisdom they can impart to their kids.

Watching the Netflix drama, there has already been an enormous amount of discussion, but I want to focus on what has been less discussed and is arguably more important…

Neither parent had any idea of what Jamie was consuming online or talking about with his peers — boys or girls (nor did the D.I. with his son Adam, who he clearly had a very distant relationship with, where he had to explain to his father the meaning of the emojis as he could see how frustratingly out of touch his Dad was with the online world). This isn't an overnight fix or a sudden interrogation of their social media viewing. It's about parents being consistently interested in their child, what they're consuming, and having curious conversations on a regular basis with everyone sharing thoughts and reflections — as with any healthy relationship.

There was no discussion or even mention by the parents of potentially negative influences on Jamie, especially around social media (which is not going away anytime soon). And despite being only 13, Jamie was clearly able to come and go at very late hours without his parents knowing his whereabouts (he must've come home wearing a lot less than when he went out after murdering Katie and ditching his blood stained clothes).

Kids are exposed to vast amounts of unregulated information online, so it's vital to talk about what they're interested in and to teach understanding bias, groupthink, how to use critical thinking and teach them how to question what they see. 

Holding a quiet, non-judgemental, curious space to just listen is also a vitally important part of being a parent, and teaches trust and vulnerability.

We see Eddie, the dad, trying to protect Jamie when being questioned at the police station, where protecting him sooner from dangerous online misogynistic influences from the manosphere would have made a life changing difference. 

Whether online or in real life, being isolated without meaningful, emotionally regulated connected relationships — where hours upon hours can be spent online consuming content — the susceptibility to being targeted and groomed is high.

Sadly, neither parent throughout the 4 episodes demonstrates healthy expression of feelings and emotions, and it's not surprising from the glimpses of their childhood that were shared, as comparatively they were fantastic parents. 

In fact they were great parents in a lot of ways, they were aware of what their parents did wrong and actively worked to break those generational patterns, they loved their children and truly wanted the best for Jamie and Lisa, and there really wasn't anything vastly different about the way they parented versus the parents around them. 

And that's what makes it so harsh, because any of the boys could have been Jamie under the right circumstances — they were all consuming the same content. 

The repeated emotionally immature statement by the parents of  “we've done nothing wrong”, followed by a repetition of this pattern by Jamie that he “didn't do anything wrong” when questioned about Katie's murder. 

The lack of curiosity, self reflection or accountability from the family and from a lot of the people around them.

They're all very common behaviours that unfortunately when the stakes are as high as they currently are — can end in disastrous results. And unfortunately for Jamie's parents and all of the adults around him the problem was invisible.

In one scene Eddie retells the story of how his dad would “batter him with a belt” and clearly sees how negatively it's affected him, yet still doesn't recognise the responsibility and importance of raising a son in a loving way. 

This coupled with the shame his Dad conveyed to him for not being sporty enough and retelling how other parents were laughing at Jamie in goal as he looked the other way were a recipe for being groomed as tapped into his feelings of inadequacy.  

So Jamie was a prime target for radicalisation towards incel ideology (with dangerous beliefs and toxic hate filled misogyny) which at its core targets boys and men who feel angry, shamed and victimised.

When parents struggle with unresolved childhood trauma, it affects their own emotional regulation and risks creating an unpredictable environment for their child. 

Kids rely on their parents to model emotional stability, so if a parent's unresolved trauma leads to inconsistent emotional responses or neglect, the child can become anxious and unable to develop healthy emotional regulation and reactions.

Without the emotional support and regulation from parents, children are very likely to struggle with managing intense emotions, resulting in reactive behavior and emotional outbursts.The instability of the child's nervous system, makes them prone to becoming easily overwhelmed and they can then have a disproportionate response under pressure, which we see repeatedly with Jamie's assessment session with the psychologist, where he goes from 0 to 100 in rage. 

The mindset behind the levels of aggression we see from Jamie throughout, are rooted in very low levels of self esteem, insecurity, and that quite often is where violence will stem from. This is why we see throughout the episodes Jamie flip from frightening, hairs on end aggression that belies his age, to a vulnerable child who enjoys marshmallows on his hot chocolate because after all that he's still only 13.

Put simply Jamie will likely have been just trying to look for approval and validation, and found it online, even though the approved narrative was a dangerous and inaccurate one around incel ideology, offering up false explanations as to why he struggled with difficult emotions like feeling ugly and inferior.

We hear how Jamie witnessed his dad tear the shed down — a huge fit of rage to see as a young boy and taught Jamie how strong emotions are dealt with. A boy whose dad also worked long hours and he didn't see much. The danger is in the outdated message that to be a man means to not show emotions, compassion or vulnerability and for Jamie who suffered emotional neglect made expression of emotions without rage or violence challenging.

How you behave as a parent is key.

Model self-regulation and encourage emotional conversations. Show and teach that building meaningful connections of both genders is so important, and challenge the outdated and dangerous ideas of what it means to be a man and woman.

There's a coldness and detachedness between the parents and Jamie throughout the whole drama, and we barely even get a sense of what Jamie's relationship is like with his Mum or sister, hinting at a worrying lack of meaningful connection with any girls or women. At no point does Jamie ask for his Mum nor is there any hint from either sibling of their relationship. There is a moment when the psychologist questions Jamie as to whether his Dad had any women friends, and Jamie reponds defensively thinking that such a suggestion would mean his Dad would be cheating on his Mum. It was clearly not seen as normal for his Dad to have friends of both genders.

Jamie preyed on Katie as a victim of a sexual crime and thought she'd feel grateful of the attention from him. Where Katie had naked photos shared of her without consent amongst the boys at school and they teased her about it, made disparaging remarks about her and her value as a person. In retaliation she called Jamie an incel and called him out on his behaviour. For not accepting her abuse in silence she was stabbed to death. To even think in such a way is shocking and gives us some insight into the dehumanising way he had come to think about girls and women; the perception that women/girls are things to be had, that he is entitled to, not equal people in their own right, and his chilling comment to the psychologist around what he could have done to Katie's body but didn't. 

 I think it's also important to point out that there is no such thing as 'the perfect victim', and that anything less than exemplary behaviour from Katie didn't warrant her being murdered.

It's only in the final episode 13 months after Jamie is arrested do the parents have a heartbreaking attempt to talk about what happened sitting at the end of their bed. A heartbroken, sobbing Eddie then walks into his son's bedroom and picks up one of Jamie's teddies, before finally realising and saying "I'm sorry, son. I should have done better." 

I think like most parents watching, I could massively sympathise with the parents being in complete shock at how seemingly easily their son's attention was captured by a world they knew nothing about, and the devastating consequences it had.

If you haven't watched Adolescence I would say it's vital viewing, especially if you have kids. It's a comment on our times and really puts the focus on what is happening in society currently and gives an important opportunity to address any harmful thinking and behaviours.